Crashgirl (crashgirrl) wrote in saltoftheroads,

heart-on harddrive

You add new addresses to your email list , you add new memories to your head , some fade over time and people can slip away. And , you evaluate and re-evaluate the people around you , in your life , and on your buddy list in the right hand corner of the screen. Did they call you enough? Do they message you? Did they just stop making sense? Or maybe your just too busy these days to think about why. It's cool , we all move on and away right? Just freeing up space. Throwing away emails and letters and pictures to free up Megabytes on your hard drive. But One morning you add a new friend's address and you look down the blue and white list of friends and aquaintances you have that you could contact and you see a name. Of someone who's gone . Not on vacation and not seperated in friendship but really gone from the Earth. and you think to yourself , yea. she's really dead. And doesn't that feel weird? Doesn't it feel a little bit sad because you were friends but you have seen other people die before right? So why feel anything? Isn't that a little dramatic? I mean , it's not like she were your best friend. Just someone you knew through the family , just a normal ordinary friend. a little more than an aquaintance. And anyway , I try not to keep aquaintances , I like friends better.

So there's this email address , and I could write here, like I used to , to keep in touch. I could pretend she were still there and tell her how school's going and what Boston's like. But when I got to the part where I'd ask how she was doing , how her life was going , and what was Lebanon like , I'd remember she wasn't there anymore. Maybe I'd ask her what it was like to die so young. did it hurt? Did she do everything she wanted to? How was her husband handling it?

And then if I sent it, would anyone get it? Had someone taken over her passwords and email , like a will or something, was someone in charge legally? Would her husband get my emails? Would he be offended? Or , would they collect up until there was no more space in her inbox , like a pile of letters overfilling in someone's dusty old mailbox who hadn't lived there for years...? Because no one remembered to officially notify whoever was in charge of that sort of thing that she was gone.

It makes my skin tingle to think about it. This feeling of feeling something I don't believe I have the right to feel. It creates a longing within myself to fill a void , a vacuum , inside every person's soul when they think about death. And the age old question , where do you go when you die?
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